Goodbye, sweetest friend. I promise not to remember you as the sickly kitty you have become. You would not approve.
I will remember you as the fiery lady you always were.
Fiercely loving. Passionately cuddly. A brilliant nanny. The best “oh my god you are home” door greeter that a feline could be. A friend to Schween. Superfan of the sun. Adoring of your dad. Smart as a whip. Sweet and soft. Fat. Happy.
Thanks for being my first baby. I will love you always. I know you will find the sunniest spot to rest on your porch in the sky.
Goodbye, sweet girl. Mama misses you already.
Back when I was growing a human in my belly, I remember hitting a few points during the pregnancy where I felt like time stood still. I just knew like I was going to be exactly that pregnant until the end of time. Then I blinked and BAM. MywaterbrokeomgBABYHERE. Time clearly didn’t freeze like I had imagined.
Now, as a parent, I will get a similar notion. I’ll have a handle on the stage that Benton is going through. I’ve figured it all out! Everything falls into place and I know what I am doing. How easy is that? He will stay in this exact stage forever. And then BAM. He is a new boy within a few weeks.
He has been cruising furniture for about a month now. And he is fast. This afternoon, it occurred to me that I bought a ridiculous ugly walker thing for him awhile back. Maybe he can use it?
I hauled it out of the closet and introduced him to it in the living room. He inspected it, realized it rolled, and tried to pull up to standing. Since it moves VERY FAST, he kind of dragged behind it. I expected as much.
So, I assisted him by slowing its speed as he walked behind it. Carefully spotting the wobbly boy. We went back and forth across the room 3 times. He furrows his brow in concentration and sticks his tongue out slightly when he is trying something new, and I adore it. As I was giving him the walker tutorial, I planned our future weeks of mama/baby walker training with this new toy. Teaching is fun! He is like…a real little human or something. I figured it would take a while for him to fully grasp this ridiculous walker contraption.
THEN I BLINKED.
He learned the ding dang thing in 10 minutes. The mind of a 10 month old is astounding. Everyone told me that babies were like sponges, but I am seeing this first hand on a daily basis.
Things are getting exciting.
Spring is busting out all over. I have almost forgiven Chicago for such a long winter. She takes my breath away when she is in full bloom.
I celebrated my first Mother’s Day with my little family in the sun. It was perfect. All the iPhone photos we took depicted the most amazing spring outing together. Everything all in a row and lovely. It was.
Even though it all seems like a fairytale life, I don’t want to project that image all the time. I don’t mean to say that life isn’t good, because it is. It appears especially good on the surface. On paper. In photos. In this blog. But there is certainly a balance.
Staying home and watching Benton turn from a baby into a kid before my eyes is a blessing. It’s truly the best job I have had, even though I am never off the clock. I am capable of feeling more love and joy than I could have ever imagined. I feel lucky. I do. This is why I don’t like to voice my sorrows or struggles. It makes me appear ungrateful.
I hate being a complainer, especially when I have it so “good.” But I give 125% of myself everyday, and sometimes it doesn’t feel like enough. I don’t like asking for help, even though I could use it. I hate to admit that I can’t do it all and my perfectionism is often a curse.
I don’t like admitting that I have been struggling with anxiety in the middle of the night. That I have conversations in my head in the early morning hours that would not be considered remotely pleasant. That I worry about things in the dark that would never be given a second thought in the light of day. That I often feel alone, even when I am never actually by myself.
I have started talking about these things with other moms who have been through similar things. It is helping. If you are one of the ladies I have been conversing with on this subject, thank you so much. It means the world to me.